Hannah is my little sister. And, like the title says, her name means full of grace. I think when my parents named her that, they were hoping she would extend grace to all those around her. I think they may have forgotten that she may need a full amount of grace. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE LOVE LOVE my sister. She's one of my favorite people. But I was not a huge fan of the amount of grace she got growing up. From the older sister perspective, while growing up, Hannah could get away with everything! At least in my opinion. I'm sure that she thought the same of me, and she may have been right. Side note: Hannah is probably the person that has shown me the love and acceptance of God more than anyone else. This is not me at all trying to bash her. This is me reflecting on my own short comings.
If I'm being perfectly honest, I always aligned myself more with the Brother in the Prodigal Son Parable. I mean, they were killing off HIS fatted calf for his brother! (Its totally like when it was my birthday party, and Hannah got presents, but at her birthday party, did I get presents? NO! (I am totally over this by the way, but when you're 8? It was huge.)) I knew that when you were reading the parable, you were supposed to be on the little brothers side, but I always felt bad for the older one. He didn't get any recognition for any of his hard work, and his little brother got to party hardy, and come out looking best in the end.
But then, I remembered. We're all Hannah, in need of grace. We're all the Little Brother. The older brother worked, yes, but he wasn't the one who had even built up this vast fortune. He wasn't actually entitled to anything. It was all their Fathers, who could have done anything with His fortune. And we all need more grace than we are able to extend to others, whether we're the little or older brother. And the most amazing thing, is there is no end to God's grace for us.
Its really astounding. He has had a plan to save us from the moment we started sinning. Genesis 3:21 is the first example of His plan that I've found, at least. You know, when he killed some animals to clothe them? When I see that, I see the first animal sacrifice (and a clear example of why God doesn't want us to be vegetarians). From the very beginning, He's done what He can to care for us, even when we've done our best to distance ourselves from Him.
And just so that those of you who don't know really know me, I am not at all saying that I am better than Hannah. I'm not saying that I am not in need of as much grace as she or anyone else. Really. The very fact that I align myself with the Older Brother should show you how prideful I can be. Seriously. But I'm working on it. And I'm only getting somewhere, because I'm finally realizing that I need His grace. Which is a huge hit to my pride. But I am pretty awesome, so it shouldn't be that hard, right?
Haha, so much work left to do!
Thanks for reading guys! It means a lot.
Friday, August 26, 2011
Sunday, June 26, 2011
Life, Love, and the Pursuit!
So, its been awhile, but I thought I'd add my opinions on this topic. Because my opinions are in such high demand. HAHahahahaaa.... Anyway.
I've never been one to worry about life. I do the best that I know how, and so things will either turn out how I want them to, or they won't. I've realized that there is nothing you can do about it. However, I often feel like I'm alone in my thinking this way.
I mean, it says in the Bible, Matthew 6:24 I believe, to not worry for tomorrow, to be like the lilies, who just simply grow. For some reason, I don't think He would have bothered with it if it were a common thought process.
But then it all comes back to trust, does it not? You have to be able to trust in yourself to make decent decisions, trust in friends to tell you when your messing up, and to trust in God to fix everything when you've made a mess of it and didn't listen to your friends.
I think I've recently started taking back my trust. From friends, for the simple fact I haven't had time to invest enough in them to know if I can trust them. From myself, because I've on occasion come to doubt the very decisions I was once so proud and convinced of. And even a bit from God, because I, of course couldn't be the one to blame in this, right?
Its unnerving! And I am not a fan. at all.
I've gotten most of my swagger back, because, let's face it, I am all things awesome, but every once in a while, something comes along and shakes me to my core. I find myself frightened that I've messed my entire life up, because of one innocent conversation that I read far to much into, or something I see going on in someone else's life, and I think, "Why don't I have that?"
Far too often, we set our eyes on others. Comparison should be the 11th commandment. Thou shalt not compare. Because way to frequently we look at others awesomeness, and forget about our own! You maybe in a wonderful job, doing exactly what you know you've always wanted to do, doing an amazing job, and you take a look at another person, out traveling, not tied down to anything, and think, "Wow, my life sucks, I wish I was as awesome as they are," while all the while the traveler is thinking the same as you. I've certainly been guilty of it.
And that brings me to the love portion of this blog. My favorite topic! Oh wait, no. I'm not the girl who goes boy crazy, or day dreams about being married. I'm not going to stop my life/awesomeness to be with someone else. I'm looking for someone whose life fits together with mine. But then the constant barrage of wedding announcements come, and I find myself rethinking things that I know are right and true. I've found myself thinking how much easier would it be if God weren't a factor for me in a relationship. Of course, I immediately smack myself upside the head because He is the biggest factor, and the most important, and the ONLY ONE THAT TRULY MATTERS!!!!! He's the one that makes my life worth living, and the one that will make my marriage the best there's ever been (I do in fact realize that there will be issues, and it will not be perfect, but without God in it? Disasterous!)
Again, it all comes back to trust and comparing, so feel free to read those paragraphs again, because my thoughts are the same still.
I am ever so glad though that when I'm in those moments of despair, God sends me reminders of why I chose this life (Yes, it is a choice. You can choose to be a sad sack, or you can choose to be awesome). One of those reminders came to me from a fellow blogger. You can read the wonderful work here http://t.co/h. And while I haven't had her experience on the subject, it is all I have observed in others relationships, and many of my reasons for choosing a relationship centered around God.
Well, I guess that just leaves the pursuit. Not the pursuit of Happiness, but the pursuit of life, trust, love, if you must (though I would be one of the ones who encourages you to not pursue that, let it pursue you. Otherwise you end up looking desperate). Remember to slow down and relax, because stressing yourself out is never going to make the situation your in better. I mean, think about it! Has it EVER made a situation BETTER? NOOOOO!!!! Trust God. He's always got your back, more so than the lilies of the field. And when you've reached that point where you start to doubt that? He'll send you reminders. It may even involve you being a reminder for someone else! Like just last week, I was sitting around, bummed, for absolutely no reason, when I had this ridiculous urge to send some money to a person that I've never met, only read their blog, who was on the road. You ever get those? No? Me neither! But I did, and so I was like, ok, its the middle of the night, but whatever. The next day, I get an email, saying that that was this guys answer to prayer, IMMEDIATELY after he finished praying. HOW COOL IS THAT?!!!!!! So, in one fell swoop, God restores faith to two! I don't know about you, but I think that is crazy cool. You know it is too.
So to summarize, don't stress, learn to trust, don't compare, and TRUST!!!!
Talk to you all later!
Thanks for reading guys! It means a lot.
I've never been one to worry about life. I do the best that I know how, and so things will either turn out how I want them to, or they won't. I've realized that there is nothing you can do about it. However, I often feel like I'm alone in my thinking this way.
I mean, it says in the Bible, Matthew 6:24 I believe, to not worry for tomorrow, to be like the lilies, who just simply grow. For some reason, I don't think He would have bothered with it if it were a common thought process.
But then it all comes back to trust, does it not? You have to be able to trust in yourself to make decent decisions, trust in friends to tell you when your messing up, and to trust in God to fix everything when you've made a mess of it and didn't listen to your friends.
I think I've recently started taking back my trust. From friends, for the simple fact I haven't had time to invest enough in them to know if I can trust them. From myself, because I've on occasion come to doubt the very decisions I was once so proud and convinced of. And even a bit from God, because I, of course couldn't be the one to blame in this, right?
Its unnerving! And I am not a fan. at all.
I've gotten most of my swagger back, because, let's face it, I am all things awesome, but every once in a while, something comes along and shakes me to my core. I find myself frightened that I've messed my entire life up, because of one innocent conversation that I read far to much into, or something I see going on in someone else's life, and I think, "Why don't I have that?"
Far too often, we set our eyes on others. Comparison should be the 11th commandment. Thou shalt not compare. Because way to frequently we look at others awesomeness, and forget about our own! You maybe in a wonderful job, doing exactly what you know you've always wanted to do, doing an amazing job, and you take a look at another person, out traveling, not tied down to anything, and think, "Wow, my life sucks, I wish I was as awesome as they are," while all the while the traveler is thinking the same as you. I've certainly been guilty of it.
And that brings me to the love portion of this blog. My favorite topic! Oh wait, no. I'm not the girl who goes boy crazy, or day dreams about being married. I'm not going to stop my life/awesomeness to be with someone else. I'm looking for someone whose life fits together with mine. But then the constant barrage of wedding announcements come, and I find myself rethinking things that I know are right and true. I've found myself thinking how much easier would it be if God weren't a factor for me in a relationship. Of course, I immediately smack myself upside the head because He is the biggest factor, and the most important, and the ONLY ONE THAT TRULY MATTERS!!!!! He's the one that makes my life worth living, and the one that will make my marriage the best there's ever been (I do in fact realize that there will be issues, and it will not be perfect, but without God in it? Disasterous!)
Again, it all comes back to trust and comparing, so feel free to read those paragraphs again, because my thoughts are the same still.
I am ever so glad though that when I'm in those moments of despair, God sends me reminders of why I chose this life (Yes, it is a choice. You can choose to be a sad sack, or you can choose to be awesome). One of those reminders came to me from a fellow blogger. You can read the wonderful work here http://t.co/h. And while I haven't had her experience on the subject, it is all I have observed in others relationships, and many of my reasons for choosing a relationship centered around God.
Well, I guess that just leaves the pursuit. Not the pursuit of Happiness, but the pursuit of life, trust, love, if you must (though I would be one of the ones who encourages you to not pursue that, let it pursue you. Otherwise you end up looking desperate). Remember to slow down and relax, because stressing yourself out is never going to make the situation your in better. I mean, think about it! Has it EVER made a situation BETTER? NOOOOO!!!! Trust God. He's always got your back, more so than the lilies of the field. And when you've reached that point where you start to doubt that? He'll send you reminders. It may even involve you being a reminder for someone else! Like just last week, I was sitting around, bummed, for absolutely no reason, when I had this ridiculous urge to send some money to a person that I've never met, only read their blog, who was on the road. You ever get those? No? Me neither! But I did, and so I was like, ok, its the middle of the night, but whatever. The next day, I get an email, saying that that was this guys answer to prayer, IMMEDIATELY after he finished praying. HOW COOL IS THAT?!!!!!! So, in one fell swoop, God restores faith to two! I don't know about you, but I think that is crazy cool. You know it is too.
So to summarize, don't stress, learn to trust, don't compare, and TRUST!!!!
Talk to you all later!
Thanks for reading guys! It means a lot.
Monday, March 28, 2011
Friendships
I've been thinking a lot about friendships lately, and I've come to a conclusion. Friendships are important, but you can't base your life around them.
I've lived in 2 different countries, USA and Mexico. Let me just say first off, I would never, ever change that. I love that I have two different places that I can call home. And there are so many things that I wouldn't have learned had I not moved to Mexico, or if I had not returned to USA.
That being said, moving, whether to a new place, or back to an old one, is tough. When I first moved to Mexico, I was acquainted with many of the people here, but had no one that I really knew. No one to listen to me, no one to talk my problems over. As the months went on, I gradually began to open myself up more and more to the people here, which, for those of you who know me, is a huge deal. I'm not exactly a sharing, open person. Sarcasm and helping others are my go-to's whenever the focus goes to me and my emotions. I don't like dealing with them! Facts are my things. People can't hurt you with facts about yourself! Yes, I have two different size feet, so what? I can't do anything about it, so lets move on. But people can hurt you with your emotions, so why share? Because friendships are important!
Back to me finally opening up in Mexico, once I did, it made my time here so much easier. I had people who cared about me, I had people who wanted to help me, not just needed my help, but wanted to return it! I was able to share my burdens, which made them not be so burdensome. But then the inevitable happened, and I had to return to the States. All those friendships I had formed down here were going to be, well not lost, but definitely loosened. I couldn't talk to the people down in Mexico about people and things in Minnesota, just like I hadn't really been able to talk to my friends in Minnesota about the people and things in Mexico. There is only so much you can explain, and only so much people can understand without living it themselves.
And then I realized, I had no friends in Minnesota. Yes, I knew several people, and would call the friends, but they really were no more than acquaintances with whom I'd had a few good times with. Many of my friends had gone off to college, and those who hadn't, didn't choose to stay in touch when I was in Mexico. Yes, everyone asked how it was down there and how I was doing, but after hearing, " It's great! I love it, and I'm doing well!" all they heard was "Blah, blah, blah, Mexico, Mexico, Mexico, Kids, kids, tacos, Mexico, kids!" And I have to admit, I wasn't any better. All I heard was "Snow, Snow, Snow, Blizzard, Work, BLIZZARD!!!!!!!" Really, you guys in Minnesota don't talk about much else! I didn't know what to expect. Actually, I didn't think it would be that big of a deal. I knew I knew people at church, I was going to be working at the same place, how much could possibly have changed in 8 months?
What I found out was that things don't change. Everything was the same. But people do. My friends, who had been my friends all my life, were different people. And so was I. While I had spent my time surrounded by poverty, they had been at college, with teenagers, working. All of those things give you different perspectives! Not necessarily bad or good, worse or better, just different. And so while everyTHING was the same, every person wasn't. So not only did my world just change drastically, I found out that so did my friends, and myself! The things I had said that would never matter to me, would always matter to me, I would never do, or would do had all changed, and the people who had known me no longer knew me. They only thought they did. And when it came to light that they didn't, I was left behind, alone.
I do have to interject here, that much of this was my own doing. Remember my whole not open with feelings and sharing and all that crap? It doesn't really help matters like this. So don't feel bad for me, or mad at my friends. I was just as much to blame as they were, if not more so. I was the one who changed the most, after all.
Being alone can be a terrifying thing to some. Me, not so much. I tend to be a lazy person, and when you have friends, you tend to do stuff, so I was quite fine on my own. Need people? Whatever for? I never really got that. Well, I didn't. If you remember my big conclusion that I came too, it was that friendships, ie. people, are important. And I slowly came to realize this after a few months of being alone. At first it was fine, but then I had that day at work where everyone alive was an idiot, except me, and I had no one to explain it too. Then I had the day where I was the only idiot in the world, and I had no one to remind me of the day where everyone else was an idiot too. I had the day where everything was FANTASTIC, and I had no one to share how awesome my day was! I had the day where I had nothing to do, and I had not a single person that I could call to talk with, hang out with, do something with. And then I had all these days several times over. And I began to feel the loneliness, the heartache. I went through Mexico withdrawls. I wanted nothing more than to return to my home where I was the person many turned to for help, and could also call many people up just to do nothing. But I couldn't, and so I suffered. In silence, which sucks. Seriously. While suffering sucks, imagine no one knowing you're suffering. Assuming you're fine. IT SUCKS!!!!!!!! Not being the person who shares feelings at all with complete strangers, and only barely with the best of friends, there was no way I was going to let any of my old friends know that I didn't have friends! HA! I was always the strong one, there was no way I was going to voluntarily put myself in the needy chair. No way.
But then one day, someone who didn't know me at all, asked me how I was. Asked me about Mexico. Asked me about being back "home," and really listened. I felt heard in the first time in forever. You don't realize how much you've missed something until you get it back. And, oh man, how I had missed it! I had a friend! It sounds like a joke, like its something funny, and it was, but at the same time, it wasn't. Not in the slightest. I started getting introduced to new people, and I started making friends! All of a sudden, I had things to do, places to go and people to see! I still didn't necessarily have the type of friendship where I felt like I could tell them anything, but I sure felt like I could tell them something!
And then I went through the hardest thing I have ever had to go through in my life. Harder than leaving Mexico, which was hard. I pray everyday that I never go through something even close to that again. And I had a choice. Could I trust my new friends to help me through this? Would I trust them with this? SHOULD I??? Who knows if they can be trusted?! Who knows if they'll continue to be my friends after they hear this? Or what about later, if I moved again? Would they still be my friends then? I so didn't want to ever have to go through that again. But I couldn't make it through that by myself, and so I let a few select people know. And then they prayed for me. They prayed for my situation. And there was no judgement, no pity, nothing like that. Just support. And I couldn't believe it. It was fantastic. I hadn't felt such support, well, ever!
For a long time, everything was great. I had friends, I had things to do, it was great. And then someone asked me how I was doing. Not about the situation, but about me. And it wasn't even someone who knew what had happened. I didn't even realize that I was still dealing with it, but she noticed. She cared. She asked.
I cried. I cried harder than I had cried in a long, long time. To have someone's focus on me, not because I did something great, but because I needed help, and I didn't ask for it, was astounding. I'm not the type of person who puts myself in the spotlight, and so for someone to notice that I was hurting, well, it flipped my world again. I learned that I could be vulnerable, that people could be trusted. But, I also learned not to build my life around them.
Now, I realize that that seems to be the exact opposite of what I've been saying, I really do. But what I mean by it is this, you must open yourself to friendships, but not limit your friendships to the ones you already have. Lets say I had based all my life, my decisions, my emotions on my 1st set of Minnesota friendships, I would have been SCREWED when I moved to Mexico. Not only then, but I would have been devastated when I moved back, and they, and myself, had all changed. I can tell you right now that I would not have survived what happened if it hadn't been for my new friends. But what if I only thought I could receive from the people I had declared "my friends," and been totally shut off when my acquaintance/friend asked me how I was? I could still be dealing with stuff from that!
So, because this is ridiculously long, and I haven't a clue how to end it, let me just summarize; You need friendships. They are essential. However, friendships grow, change, and evolve, and so do you. Its ok. Really.
Thanks for reading guys! It means a lot.
I've lived in 2 different countries, USA and Mexico. Let me just say first off, I would never, ever change that. I love that I have two different places that I can call home. And there are so many things that I wouldn't have learned had I not moved to Mexico, or if I had not returned to USA.
That being said, moving, whether to a new place, or back to an old one, is tough. When I first moved to Mexico, I was acquainted with many of the people here, but had no one that I really knew. No one to listen to me, no one to talk my problems over. As the months went on, I gradually began to open myself up more and more to the people here, which, for those of you who know me, is a huge deal. I'm not exactly a sharing, open person. Sarcasm and helping others are my go-to's whenever the focus goes to me and my emotions. I don't like dealing with them! Facts are my things. People can't hurt you with facts about yourself! Yes, I have two different size feet, so what? I can't do anything about it, so lets move on. But people can hurt you with your emotions, so why share? Because friendships are important!
Back to me finally opening up in Mexico, once I did, it made my time here so much easier. I had people who cared about me, I had people who wanted to help me, not just needed my help, but wanted to return it! I was able to share my burdens, which made them not be so burdensome. But then the inevitable happened, and I had to return to the States. All those friendships I had formed down here were going to be, well not lost, but definitely loosened. I couldn't talk to the people down in Mexico about people and things in Minnesota, just like I hadn't really been able to talk to my friends in Minnesota about the people and things in Mexico. There is only so much you can explain, and only so much people can understand without living it themselves.
And then I realized, I had no friends in Minnesota. Yes, I knew several people, and would call the friends, but they really were no more than acquaintances with whom I'd had a few good times with. Many of my friends had gone off to college, and those who hadn't, didn't choose to stay in touch when I was in Mexico. Yes, everyone asked how it was down there and how I was doing, but after hearing, " It's great! I love it, and I'm doing well!" all they heard was "Blah, blah, blah, Mexico, Mexico, Mexico, Kids, kids, tacos, Mexico, kids!" And I have to admit, I wasn't any better. All I heard was "Snow, Snow, Snow, Blizzard, Work, BLIZZARD!!!!!!!" Really, you guys in Minnesota don't talk about much else! I didn't know what to expect. Actually, I didn't think it would be that big of a deal. I knew I knew people at church, I was going to be working at the same place, how much could possibly have changed in 8 months?
What I found out was that things don't change. Everything was the same. But people do. My friends, who had been my friends all my life, were different people. And so was I. While I had spent my time surrounded by poverty, they had been at college, with teenagers, working. All of those things give you different perspectives! Not necessarily bad or good, worse or better, just different. And so while everyTHING was the same, every person wasn't. So not only did my world just change drastically, I found out that so did my friends, and myself! The things I had said that would never matter to me, would always matter to me, I would never do, or would do had all changed, and the people who had known me no longer knew me. They only thought they did. And when it came to light that they didn't, I was left behind, alone.
I do have to interject here, that much of this was my own doing. Remember my whole not open with feelings and sharing and all that crap? It doesn't really help matters like this. So don't feel bad for me, or mad at my friends. I was just as much to blame as they were, if not more so. I was the one who changed the most, after all.
Being alone can be a terrifying thing to some. Me, not so much. I tend to be a lazy person, and when you have friends, you tend to do stuff, so I was quite fine on my own. Need people? Whatever for? I never really got that. Well, I didn't. If you remember my big conclusion that I came too, it was that friendships, ie. people, are important. And I slowly came to realize this after a few months of being alone. At first it was fine, but then I had that day at work where everyone alive was an idiot, except me, and I had no one to explain it too. Then I had the day where I was the only idiot in the world, and I had no one to remind me of the day where everyone else was an idiot too. I had the day where everything was FANTASTIC, and I had no one to share how awesome my day was! I had the day where I had nothing to do, and I had not a single person that I could call to talk with, hang out with, do something with. And then I had all these days several times over. And I began to feel the loneliness, the heartache. I went through Mexico withdrawls. I wanted nothing more than to return to my home where I was the person many turned to for help, and could also call many people up just to do nothing. But I couldn't, and so I suffered. In silence, which sucks. Seriously. While suffering sucks, imagine no one knowing you're suffering. Assuming you're fine. IT SUCKS!!!!!!!! Not being the person who shares feelings at all with complete strangers, and only barely with the best of friends, there was no way I was going to let any of my old friends know that I didn't have friends! HA! I was always the strong one, there was no way I was going to voluntarily put myself in the needy chair. No way.
But then one day, someone who didn't know me at all, asked me how I was. Asked me about Mexico. Asked me about being back "home," and really listened. I felt heard in the first time in forever. You don't realize how much you've missed something until you get it back. And, oh man, how I had missed it! I had a friend! It sounds like a joke, like its something funny, and it was, but at the same time, it wasn't. Not in the slightest. I started getting introduced to new people, and I started making friends! All of a sudden, I had things to do, places to go and people to see! I still didn't necessarily have the type of friendship where I felt like I could tell them anything, but I sure felt like I could tell them something!
And then I went through the hardest thing I have ever had to go through in my life. Harder than leaving Mexico, which was hard. I pray everyday that I never go through something even close to that again. And I had a choice. Could I trust my new friends to help me through this? Would I trust them with this? SHOULD I??? Who knows if they can be trusted?! Who knows if they'll continue to be my friends after they hear this? Or what about later, if I moved again? Would they still be my friends then? I so didn't want to ever have to go through that again. But I couldn't make it through that by myself, and so I let a few select people know. And then they prayed for me. They prayed for my situation. And there was no judgement, no pity, nothing like that. Just support. And I couldn't believe it. It was fantastic. I hadn't felt such support, well, ever!
For a long time, everything was great. I had friends, I had things to do, it was great. And then someone asked me how I was doing. Not about the situation, but about me. And it wasn't even someone who knew what had happened. I didn't even realize that I was still dealing with it, but she noticed. She cared. She asked.
I cried. I cried harder than I had cried in a long, long time. To have someone's focus on me, not because I did something great, but because I needed help, and I didn't ask for it, was astounding. I'm not the type of person who puts myself in the spotlight, and so for someone to notice that I was hurting, well, it flipped my world again. I learned that I could be vulnerable, that people could be trusted. But, I also learned not to build my life around them.
Now, I realize that that seems to be the exact opposite of what I've been saying, I really do. But what I mean by it is this, you must open yourself to friendships, but not limit your friendships to the ones you already have. Lets say I had based all my life, my decisions, my emotions on my 1st set of Minnesota friendships, I would have been SCREWED when I moved to Mexico. Not only then, but I would have been devastated when I moved back, and they, and myself, had all changed. I can tell you right now that I would not have survived what happened if it hadn't been for my new friends. But what if I only thought I could receive from the people I had declared "my friends," and been totally shut off when my acquaintance/friend asked me how I was? I could still be dealing with stuff from that!
So, because this is ridiculously long, and I haven't a clue how to end it, let me just summarize; You need friendships. They are essential. However, friendships grow, change, and evolve, and so do you. Its ok. Really.
Thanks for reading guys! It means a lot.
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