Friday, September 9, 2011

I get lost in my mind...

Do you remember what you wanted to be when you were younger? Anyone? I do. I wanted to be a librarian. More than anything. I mean honestly, what could be better than reading to kids all the time? I was thrilled.  I was one of those lucky few who had figured out what they wanted to be by the age of 4.

Then I realized that you didn't get to read books all the time and actually had to do work. I was devastated. But I then moved on to many, many other things, like being a lawyer, an archaeologist, art historian, psychologist, actress, and journalist. I put aside each of those things for one reason or an other ( Though I do still hold that I would be awesome at all of those, especially archaeology. I mean, me chillin' with Indiana Jones, with the hat and whip? Oh yeah.)  It's a fantastic thing that I didn't go on to pursue any of those careers, at least so far, because if I had, I know I wouldn't be where I am now, nor would I have done some of the amazing things that God has had me do so far in my life.

But where exactly am I now? So often people ask me, "So what are you doing?" and more and more often, I'm beginning to realize that I've grown somewhat stagnant. It's not that I'm not doing anything. I have a full time job, I'm a dedicated volunteer at my church in at least two ministries, and I always have a plan to flee the country in the works. But that's just what I'm "doing." Which, while it is what they're saying, I tend to believe that they're looking for more. For your dreams, goals, inspirations, and aspirations. And those are the things I've lost sight of.

Its not that I don't have them, its just that I've lost the focus I once had. I lack the intensity, conviction, and passion for my dreams that I had once had as a child to be a librarian. The drive to accomplish what seems impossible has left. And I think I've realized why.

Secrecy. Accountability. Encouragement. I never shared my hopes of becoming world famous from acting or writing, and then using that fame as a platform to advocate for all the kids around the world in the sex trade, especially mine in Mexico. Or to just find some way to be a spokesperson for helping young people realize that waiting for the right person and marriage isn't just something that the Bible says to keep us from having fun, but to keep us from unnecessary pain and suffering. That to do so doesn't mean that you're automatically an oddity, with some drastic defect, in either the personality, or, more than likely, the looks department. To be a Missions Pastor, with a specific calling for the youth, to introduce them to cultures, customs, and people so that they can cease to be obnoxious, spoiled and self centered, so wrapped up in their own drama, that they forget that it was all taken care of on the Cross. I don't share these things with people! And its taken me forever to write this, because once I push publish, that all changes.

I can no longer get lost in my mind, with over thinking and cowardice, when it comes to my dreams. They can no longer sit on the back shelf as I wander through the life I've made. I will have to start moving forward with them. Or reconcile them as things that aren't to be. But I will have to make some decision on them. And I'm excited for that. Dreams are the things that fuel us, that keep us in motion. Without them, we are complacent, simply moving without thinking.

And I'm sick of it. So here goes nothing/everything.

Thanks for reading guys! It means a lot.

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