Friday, October 28, 2011

Heart Break

You know those days? The ones where everything just seems to hit you at once? Where you can't seem to help but see the playlist or slideshow of all the things you've done wrong, aren't going how you planned, or are just filled with the most pathetic feelings of why would I dream of or reach for that? That's my day today. And I don't really have any answers as to why.

I'm not a sad or disappointed person. I can usually see the bright side of any situation. Not in a "I'm always cheery and have never had a dark thought ever!" kind of way. Most people think I'm rather dark and twisty, what with my black and white approach to most things in life, my sarcastic, and if I do say so myself, hilarious comebacks, or maybe its just the fact that I'm a girl whose a realist and not a romantic. And all of that maybe true, but I would consider myself to be an optimist, in general. But just not today.

And I don't really know how to deal with it. I imagine this is what it feels like to have your heart break. I've heard it talked about, but I've never really understood. No, this isn't about a guy. This is about that moment when everything around you seems to be telling you you're a fool. You'll never be good enough, smart enough, attractive enough, fast enough. You will never be enough. All those things that you've dreamed of, wanted, yearned for, prayed about, planned for, well, you don't deserve them. You won't get them. It's never going to happen. You will remain where you are. Stagnate. Dying.

I know the cliché answers that this is just the devil attacking and that he's just trying to hold me back from the amazing thing that God has in store for me, to keep pressing on! I know them. I've said them! But for whatever reason, today it's just not sinking in.

My instincts say to listen to the voice. To board up my heart. That with two nails and a board, I can almost staple my heart back together, and then continue to hide it from the world. That that way, I'll be safe. That way, I won't get hurt.

But my training tells me otherwise. My training tells me to bare all. To lay it at my Fathers feet, broken, sad and pathetic and ask Him to make it something beautiful. Something that will be enough. More than enough. Something that will take me where I'm meant to be. Far beyond where my thoughts, dreams and desires imagined I could go. And in that, I take hope.

Thanks for reading! It means so much to me. Honestly, you have no idea. Also, sorry for not posting lately! I've been on the road! But I promise more posts soon!

1 comment:

  1. So you wrote this several days ago, but I think you need to read Cory Copeland's post Walk On. You probably already read it, so read it again! We all have those days, but don't let that pessimism sink in!