Friday, January 13, 2012

A Goodbye to 2011

2011 was not a good year for me. Well that's not true. It was a good year for me. I was able to travel, I made new friends, got a better paying job. By all normal standards, it was a pretty good year. But I was dealing with issues that were still bombarding me from late 2010.

You see, someone really close to me tried to commit suicide. It was one of the worst experience I've ever gone though. And a lot of that had to do with the fact it had nothing to do with me. I'm not at all saying that the event should have been. She obviously need much more help with this than I did. The problem I had was this effected me deeply, and I couldn't talk to anyone about it, because in my mind, it would take attention off of her. Everyone asked how she was, how she was doing, but never me. We tend to forget about the hurting people behind the more overtly hurt. So I had this festering anger growing in me that I couldn’t talk to anyone about.

I couldn't understand how she could do this. How did she let everything get this bad? Why didn't she listen to me? Why did she listen to him? Find her value in him? Care about him? I felt responsible for not reaching out enough, for not noticing, for shutting her out, for pointing out the mistakes she was making. And it only got harder when she "got better."

You see, I forgot how to interact with her. I wasn't sure if I should be supportive of her, since she had dived back into the things that had driven her to the suicide, or if I should call her out on it. You're always told that they need support and love, but what do you do when you can't support what they're doing and they no longer resemble who you love? I choose the cowards way, and simply chose not to deal with it at all. I thought by doing so I wouldn't cause any harm. And while I will never know if it caused her any harm, I know it harmed me.

In not dealing with her, I didn't deal with the hurt I had experienced from all this. By acting like I was fine, I may as well have taken a bucket of toxic waste and dumped it on my open wounds. Instead of healing, my unforgiveness festered and grew. I became shut off from a person I care more about than anyone else in the world. I grew distant from others on the off chance that they would do the same thing. I found another I could blame for her actions, and I wished, hoped and prayed for every plague I could think of to strike him.

But the thing is, God doesn't work like that. He's a God of restoration, of mercy, of an all encompassing, all consuming love. You can't hold onto the things that are contrary to His very Being, and take part of His Wholeness. So I came to Him with all of my baggage, my despair, my inability to fix the mess that had happened, and I laid it at His feet. Then, I got up, stepped away from the hurt, and into His arms. And there, in His presence, I've found true forgiveness. Not only for her and him, but for myself as well.

It was rather remarkable when it happened. I half heartedly asked God to give me His heart for them. And without even realizing that it had happened, I suddenly didn’t have the desire to smack him for treating her as worth less than she was. I felt compassion on her for not realizing her true worth. I began to reach out, not with the hope of changing her, condemning her, or even helping her, but with the simple idea of loving her. And in doing so, I was able to forgive myself, and open up.

Thank you for reading. It's been almost a year since I've started writing here, and every day I'm amazed and encouraged by you. Thank you.


  1. I have been through a very similar situation along time ago before I knew the Lord, I am thankful to Him that He was there for you and gave you eyes to recognize it; because looking back now at how I went through it with out consciously acknowledging Him made it a very dark place to be in then and I pray no one goes through that with Him,

  2. Beautiful, Lauren, and so very true. I seldom read anything on this machine except the missives that I have to answer or respond to. But, I am so glad the Lord prompted me to read this. I pray for you but not always knowing what I am praying about. Now I have a better idea!
    Blessings on you, darling girl.
    We are so excited about you coming the next TWO trips! Yay!
    Now I am stuck as I don't know what an "url" is. so will say "anonymous" and maybe they'll let it be.
    Love you, tia

  3. "You can't hold onto the things that are contrary to His very Being, and take part of His Wholeness." That's a WORD. Thanks for sharing a portion of your story.

    1. I agree. Very profound. I can't remember the first time someone I loved killed themselves, but I do remember the last. The reason I remember the last so well is because of how it affected me. I am still shocked when I think about it and I wasn't even the one who found the body. And, more surprisingly, of all the people I have known who have killed themselves... I was not at all close to the last one. Just a casual friend. Yet it was more traumatic than I could have ever believed. It's funny how things hit you. "contrary to His very Being..." that is something to think about. Well said.